This young Japanese girl became so infuriated by her cat’s evil deeds that, having no better solution to hand, she ate it. The taste of pure moggy evil infused her with wasabi-like powers of spite and malice, and she began consuming cats on a near-daily basis, pausing only to cleanse her palate with mango juice. The girl pictured below disappeared having consumed at least one-hundred and twenty-four cats. Tokyo now waits in fear of becoming the steel yarn with which Catzilla will make her play.
If only the girl had remembered that cats are evil, Tokyo would still be safe.
Offered not as proof, nor even as supporting evidence, but merely for the fantastic neologism – kitlers.
Chappy from the marvellous xkcd.com shares this story:
“I’m at Sarah’s place, about to crash, and I just turned my head to the
right and there were a pair of EYES, set in the face of a strange cat
sitting on the back of the couch, literally an inch, an inch and a half
from my face, staring at me intently. I propose all animals with quiet
feet and eyes above a certain level of creepiness be fitted with bells
You know who else was fitted with bells?
The twin evils of the medieval age, lepers and jesters.
For the last 14 years I have been entirely convinced that cats were evil. This has nothing to do with allergies, and everything to do with, well, cats being *evil*. And now I find I’m right.
Toxoplasma parasites breed in cats, and only cats, and then spreads to other mammals, including humans. This parasite has the ability to change the behaviour of its host. Infected rats and mice become less afraid of cats, which is bad for the rodents, as they get eaten, but good for the toxoplasma, as it gets eaten, which means it meets other toxoplasma in the stomach of the cat and gets a shag.
Correlations have been found between toxoplasma infection in humans and feelings of insecurity, slower reactions, schizophrenia, paranoia, and, in women, open-heartedness. Which makes infected women more likely to keep evil bastard cats around, spreading the problem ever further.
The Royal Society of London* has published a paper which ponders whether Toxoplasma has influenced human culture. The paper concludes that there is a correlation [not necessarily a causation] between the frequency of toxoplasmic infection and the frequency of the traits mentioned above. It could be that the French are so French because their brains are full of evil cat parasites.
Some may argue that cats are merely the unknowing puppets of a greater Toxoplasmic intelligence. This is bollocks. Cats are evil. And they’re after us.
A Nation of Neurotics – Blame the Puppet Masters
* can one of your heroes be an institution? If so, then the RSL is one of mine. Thank god they’re at the forefront of the fight against cats.