This is the news.


I’ve spent most of the day wondering quite how the Daily Express would respond to the publication of the Operation Paget Report, a 3-year investigation into the death of Diana, Princess of Wales, which concluded that her death was, in fact, an accident.

The Daily Express is a little obsessed with DianaPoW. This year alone she’s graced their front page 53 times, mostly on Mondays. The Wikipedia article on the Daily Express uses my all-time favourite DE front page:


I like how it neatly ties together the Express’s two main themes. Love Diana, Hate Darkies.

The Daily Express is truly industrious in its exploitation of the death of DianaPoW. Just when you think they’ve covered every angle of the story, they’ll find an old one to rehash. Even the BBC, a stranger to wit and irony, has found cause to mock:

And what’s this? It’s a Wednesday and there’s Princess Diana smiling prettily from the front page of the Daily Express.

Are they messing with our minds at Desmond Towers? For she was on the front page on Tuesday too. That, thanks to the Bank Holiday, was the first day of the working week, so Tuesday was in effect Monday (a day on which the paper found room for its favourite princess on the front page, as tradition dictates).

So, how did the Express choose to cover the publication of the Operation Paget Report? Let’s turn first to another fine newspaper, The Sun, for some relatively objective coverage:


And now the Express, bastion of the middle classes, and the first British paper to carry a crossword:


First, let’s all breathe a sigh of relief that the Express won’t stop asking the key questions. Phew. And then let’s ask one of our own. Why do people buy the Express anyway? My brother has a theory:

There’s probably a few hundred thousand little old ladies living in Greenwich with Alzheimers who buy it every day and don’t even realise it’s a different paper every time. Groundhog Day for middle-class colostomy baggers.

Which reminds of a story a Kentuckian ex-girlfriend once told me, about when she visited her Grandpa who was suffering from Alzheimers, and saw he was reading a three-week old newspaper, and said, “Grandpa, that newspaper is three weeks old.” To which he replied, “It’s news to me.”

*Images kindly provided by the Notwelshman, and his merry band of dribbling idiots.


5 thoughts on “This is the news.

  1. The Daily Express also gave the world Rupert the Bear, which to most of us (read: everyone) counts as an act of war.

    It would be churlish to suggest, of course, that the only reason the Express keeps grabbing at DPoW (much like Dodi, James Hewitt, that rugby player and possibly Cliff Richard) is because they seem to be taking in not-so-subtle payouts from a certain shopkeeper. The same shopkeeper who, according to the other, saner newspapers, took a press conference saying that justice had not yet been served.

    Why? One commentator, who I can’t be bothered to look up in the name of citation, suggested that it is because he refuses to admit Harrods security was lax. More likely it is because he’s a fat-headed idiot who doesn’t like being out of the spotlight, tact be damned.

  2. Rupert the Bear wears a scarf, and wears it without tying it in the CuntKnot. So he’s given a free pass, I’m afraid.

    Al-Fayed is a grieving nutbar, it’s true. The statue he commissioned is lovely, though, so he gets a free pass too.

    And no, Melvin you’re not one of the dribbling idiots. You’re the Manliest of Men, obviously.

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