Cats are evil


For the last 14 years I have been entirely convinced that cats were evil. This has nothing to do with allergies, and everything to do with, well, cats being *evil*. And now I find I’m right.

Toxoplasma parasites breed in cats, and only cats, and then spreads to other mammals, including humans. This parasite has the ability to change the behaviour of its host. Infected rats and mice become less afraid of cats, which is bad for the rodents, as they get eaten, but good for the toxoplasma, as it gets eaten, which means it meets other toxoplasma in the stomach of the cat and gets a shag.

Correlations have been found between toxoplasma infection in humans and feelings of insecurity, slower reactions, schizophrenia, paranoia, and, in women, open-heartedness. Which makes infected women more likely to keep evil bastard cats around, spreading the problem ever further.

The Royal Society of London* has published a paper which ponders whether Toxoplasma has influenced human culture. The paper concludes that there is a correlation [not necessarily a causation] between the frequency of toxoplasmic infection and the frequency of the traits mentioned above. It could be that the French are so French because their brains are full of evil cat parasites.

Some may argue that cats are merely the unknowing puppets of a greater Toxoplasmic intelligence. This is bollocks. Cats are evil. And they’re after us.

A Nation of Neurotics – Blame the Puppet Masters

* can one of your heroes be an institution? If so, then the RSL is one of mine. Thank god they’re at the forefront of the fight against cats.


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